ребятки, нужно, чтобы кто-нибудь проверил моё эссе! очень нужна ...

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ребятки, нужно, чтобы кто-нибудь проверил моё эссе! очень нужна хорошая оценка. прошу, кто что увидит, исправьте ошибки Т_Т в основном у меня бывает много грамматических
 
тема эссе: some people say that men withstand age better then women and remain attractive longer.
 
собственно моё эссе: How attractive a person is goes beyond physical qualities. A lot of factors contribute to how attractive someone is: health, wealth, food, willpower, society, personality and so on. Some people assert, that men withstand age better and remain attractive longer. But is it right statement?
On the one hand women age faster, becouse today they spend more time at work, so they don't have enough time for themselves. Moreover, women more emotional, than man. It certainly makes them unattractive. Therefore,a lot of makeup have bad effect on appearance.
On the other hand, among men there are a lot of smokers and drinkers. As far as I know, bad habits affect on the health and appearance. Futhermore, women, when they are under stress, they ask for help friends or someone from family. This is better way of coping with stress. However, man keep everything in themselves. As a result, appears old, unhealthy appearance. Moreover, there genes played important role.
In my opinion, I agree with this statment. Really, women more emotional and sensetive, then man. Usually man have more willpower and stamina in our crazy world. It help them withstand age better and remain attracrive longer. So, talking all these factors into account, my conclusion is that women get old really quickly, than man. But women live longer.